3 months after Anaadhi

It has taken 3 months for me to even grasp a little of what's happening after Anaadhi.

After Anaadhi, I traveled to India and Singapore - 2 months of pure family time. In the last one month, I had a lot of time to myself.

Everything seems unimportant. Except for one instance of extreme anger, my emotions are not intense. Even when I was angry and expressing it,I could see the whole thing as a movie - happening outside of me. There were a few days when I was bursting with Devotion. Mostly I feel blissful and untouched by external situations.

I used to be a determined, hard-working person. Both these qualities don't seem to define me anymore. I used to feel guilty very easily. Even that doesn't happen nowadays. Before Anaadhi, if I skipped my practices, I would beat myself up and feel so guilty. Not anymore. I know very clearly that I need to do my practice, but I don't feel bad for missing. I know that I'm not the doing the correct thing, but no determination or guilt helps me to do my practice. The realization of what has been offered to me is what makes me do the practices. The more aware I am, the more connected I'm with nature (especially the Sun), the better it is, for my practices.

I'm not a nice person now. I've always tried to be nice with people regardless of how I feel deep inside, but not anymore. The truth is just blurting out of my mouth in a confident tone (might look aggressive to some people).

So everything that's defined who I am is not "me" anymore. So I get confused. However, even this confusion does not worry me.

Yesterday I realized what this could mean. Have I become a clean slate? Of course, there are many more qualities that still define who I am, but the moment I am aware of that, I lose that quality. As I write this, I don't know even if this is true. I feel like I can now be defined using certain terms(subtle qualities) that were never 'me'.

All of my qualities that were deep rooted are not strong anymore.

What does all this mean? What should I do in this life? How should I be? Confusion suddenly led to a realization that this is how I can create my life the way I want it. Rather I should now be able to face Life "as it is".

Just go with the flow of the river that is LIFE. Be like water that takes the shape of the vessel in which it is contained.
I have not done anything to be like this. Sadhguru has led me to this point, holding my finger and gently guiding me. There were times when he had to drag me along as I struggled with all that is "me".

Oh Shiva! I'm so blissed out with your GRACE. This insignificant person that I am, I have no way to express my gratitude, because nothing is close enough to how I feel.

SHAMBHO!

அழகி - திரைப்படம்

வறுமை வலிக்கிறது
அந்த வறுமையிலும் பகிர்ந்து உண்ணும் மனம்
நெகிழ வைத்தது

Devotion

When I was young, I tried to be devotional. My grandmother taught me devotional songs and how to pray. It was nice, but it wasn't true. I think I only "tried" to be devotional.

Now I tasted and experienced Devotion in such a beautiful way. Devotion is just a feeling like "Love" or "Anger". It's how I feel within and is not oriented towards anyone or any object, just like Love.

When I'm loving, I love everyone around me. When I'm devotional, I feel devoted to everything around me - no wonder we are capable of worshiping a tree, animal or even a pebble.