"There are some people who are interested in adoption, but they decide otherwise after counselling".
This happened 4 years back. I wanted to know what are the problems that might change your mind and I came up with a list of questions. After discussing with friends and families, I realised that I had to go for a counselling to get the answers.
Before I jump into the questions and answers, I should write about my thoughts on adoption. My ideas are with respect to Indian families. Adoption is more common in US, I don't know much about their ideas.
1. A Couple might consider adoption if they cannot have a child of their own. Even then, they first try to adopt or take care of their sister's or brother's child. Only if that does not work out, they might go for adopting a child from an orphanage.
2. I've heard from a couple of friends who are divorced or who haven't found a life partner, comment that they might go for adoption.
3. Couples who say 'Have One, Take One' - Have your own child, adopt one more child.
I really admire such parents, who take such a great step towards a loving world. There are some couples who say that they don't have time for pregnancy and so they go for adoption. There are few others who are afraid of pregnancy. I am not sure if these reasons are strong enough. If you don't have time for pregnancy, then you won't have time for raising the child too. According to an adoption counsellor, giving a child to such parents might give the child a family, but the child might still feel as an orphan.
Sometime in 2004, a mother of two boys from the Chennai slum area attended an AIDS awareness campaign conducted by CHES. She then visited the CHES ashram where AIDS affected kids are taken care of. She became attached to a girl called Subhashini who was less than 6 months old. This mother decided to adopt the kid, but the kid was HIV positive. Until a child is atleast 6 months(or 3 months, I am not sure) old, we cannot be sure if the baby will remain HIV positive. The virus traces from the mother could be in the baby's body. So CHES decided to let Subhashini live with this mother under the condition that if Subhashini is found positive when she turns 6 months old, she will be taken back. I just admired this mother who adopted Subhashini under such circumstances. Also, she is an illiterate and poor. The slum people initially rejected Subhashini, then they started adoring the baby. Another mother from the neighbourhood also adopted a baby from CHES. Great minds and Divine people! Love and care does not come with education and money. We should learn from such people.
Note: I don't know the status of Subhashini now. I need to check with CHES.
When I went to India in June '06, I decided to go for the counselling. I got a lot of information and answers to all my questions. I decided to blog it for the benefit of people like you who are reading this.
I met a counsellor at Families for Children, Pothanur, Coimbatore. Here's what I learnt from him.
In India, especially in Tamilnadu, couples usually adopt children only after they've consulted different doctors, saamiyaars, temples and the ultimate Dr.Kamala Selvaraj. This is usually 10 to 14 years after their marriage. When they finally go for adoption, they would be desperate. So they start pampering the kid after adoption. Parents buy them anything and everything that the kid asks for, beyond their financial limits. They cannot discipline him because they cannot raise their voice to that kid. This spoils the kid's attitude.
Once you register for adoption, it might take upto 2 years for getting a child. After a child is identified, adoption does not happen immediately. The child will start living with the adopted parents - "pre-adoption foster care" - for 3 to 18 months. During this time, the families could be audited by a social worker. Then the legal adoption takes place.
As per Indian laws, Hindus can adopt a child below 15 years of age. The child gets property inheritance and other legal rights. Non-hindus can be appointed as legal guardians for the child. In this case, the child cannot inherit ancestral property, unless a Will is made.
Adopted parents have formed an association in Coimbatore "Adopted Families Association". These families meet once in 3 to 6 months. This way, adopted kids do not feel that they are different. Also, this helps parents to discuss day-to-day adoption related issues and get suggestions from experienced parents.
Adoption agencies suggest that it's never too early to tell the child that he/she is adopted.
It is advisable to tell the child before he is 8 years old. Once the child gets into the teen years, he will have other problems. When he is in his teens, if he gets to know that he was adopted, he will lose faith in his adopted parents. I heard about a parent who celebrated their adopted daughter's 2nd birthday at the orphanage from where she was taken. They told her that she came from that place and showed her the places where she would have played, etc. Also, by telling the child earlier, problems created by society can be avoided. If the child is aware of this and if someone in school tells the kid that he is adopted, the adopted kid can coolly reply 'Yes, I know. My parents have told me. So what?'. They can be confident and also assertive.
One such adopted girl did not know about her adoption until her puberty function was held. It was very grand. She heard someone commenting "Look at these parents. See how much they are spending for an adopted child". That was the end of her faith in her parents. More than gratitude, she felt that her parents cheated her. The daughter-parent relationship could not be mended after that.
Another problem in adoption is the age of the child. It's advisable to adopt a kid below 3 years of age. Once the child crosses that age, it will be difficult for him to get used to the new environment at the adopted parents' house.
What is 'Root searching'?
If you've seen Kannathil Muthamittaal, you can understand what it is. Inspite of having loving, affectionate parents, adopted children may be curious to know about their biological parents. As per Indian law, root searching is not allowed. Nevertheless, the adoption agency does maintain the records of the adopted children until they turn 18 years old. Children adopted by non-Indian parents can try to find their biological parents with the adoption agency's help.
Why is 'Root Searching' not allowed?
The biological parent might be poor or rich. If the biological parent is poor, the kid might try to help them. But those parents could emotionally blackmail or demand financial benefits. If the biological parents are rich, then the child could interfere in the biological parents' life.
For a couple to adopt a child, the composite age of the parents should not be greater than 90 and no parent should be more than 45 years old.
Once a couple decide to adopt a child and submit an application, a social worker will visit their house. There will be periodical checks. So it is advisable to first settle in one place. If we have a travelling lifestyle, then the social worker will mark it as a comment in the report. It may or maynot stop the adoption agency from approving the application.
After adopting, the parents should provide a status report with the child's photo every 3 months. The court may rule that this should be done for 5 years or more. The parents can also contact the agency to get assistance related to the emotional well being of the child. There have been situations when parents could not handle the child and the adoption agency counsels them. When I went to FFC, I heard about a boy who became seriously ill during the pre-adoption foster care period. The agency told the parents that they will take the child and care for him.
Adoption agencies suggest that support from grand parents and other blood related relatives should be obtained. Atleast people staying in the same house should support. Otherwise, the kid will have a tough time growing up.
Counsellors stressed on the importance of skin contact between an adopted baby and the adopted parents. Even if a mother does not carry the child for 9 months in her womb, skin contact has the power to establish a strong bond between the baby and the mother/father.
One question that many people ask when it comes to adoption is
"What if the baby was born to a thief or a bad parent? Won't the genes carry such wrong traits?"
Answer: Science has proved that certain features are carried in the genes. But being a good person or not is completely dependent on the way the child is treated and brought up. If the parents are loving and friendly, that will make a lot of difference. A child can be active or shy by nature. That could come from the genes. But if the parents can accept the child as is and appreciate the individuality of the kid, then life will be smooth.
All of us cannot adopt a kid. Each one of us should know what will give us happiness. Also, before making a decision, we should gather sufficient information. Then if we make a decision, it will be an informed one and we will never regret to have made that decision.
Disclaimer: These are based on my discussions with "Families for Children" and other such sources. Please do not hold FFC responsible for the content here.
2 comments:
Great post.
I had many questions myself about the process to be followed - this will be a good reference spot.
Hi Ramya,
Glad to go through your posts. Hope you are keeping well and still practising your guitar! Very informative for people thinking about adoption.
regards.
-srikanth.
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